When Brenda Garcia finally found the courage to share her postpartum depression symptoms of anxiety, paranoia and intrusive thoughts with her midwife, she was transferred to an emergency room, where she was placed on a high-risk watch.
Garcia briefly found solace in confiding her months long nightmare with her midwife. She reassured her that she loved her children and was a good mother, but she was unaware of what was happening to her.
“She hugged me, and I started crying,” Garcia said in Spanish. “I couldn’t let go of her—she said to me, ‘Keep crying; you’re not alone.’ In the ER, they put a guard at her door, and that’s where I felt like it wasn’t safe to talk again. I didn’t say anything after that.”
Garcia was dealing with postpartum depression throughout her third pregnancy. She had recently given birth to her daughter and was then four months along in her third pregnancy.
Due to intrusive thoughts of hurting her, she started to feel disconnected from her newborn daughter, who was a few months old. Garcia would keep her daughter at a distance and avoid contact, even when changing her diapers.
Despite her “big demons of depression,” as she refers to it, she managed to support her daughter and firstborn son and ensure they had everything they needed. Her biggest fear was sharing her experience and having her kids taken away by child protective services.
“I once heard a voice that said, ‘What a hypocrite; how can such a bad person sit down and eat?’” Garcia said. “I was pregnant and I was about to eat eggs—I grabbed the plate and moved it to the side. I started to feel ill, and started to shake—I didn’t go near my daughter; she was in the living room and I stayed away. I was afraid to lose my mind in the moment and actually do something to her.”
Postpartum depression is a serious mood disorder affecting new moms within the first 12 months after childbirth. Mothers can experience a range of symptoms, which sometimes include an intense feeling of sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion, intrusive thoughts and hallucinations. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the leading cause of pregnancy-related mortality in the United States is mental health disorders.
“I think a big part of it, especially in postpartum, is that the system drops off,” said Hyeyoung Oh Nelson, a PhD and CU Denver’s Assistant Professor of Health and Behavioral Sciences. “There’s no infrastructure in place for women and birthers to be supported after they give birth; they are sent home with a newborn, and they’re like good luck.”
To learn about maternal health in the United States, Oh Nelson interviewed 30 mothers from a variety of ethnic and racial backgrounds for her latest research study, “Experiencing Birth Trauma: Individualism and Isolation in Postpartum.”
Through this study, she found that 25–35% of individuals report experiencing a traumatic birth in the United States, either physical complications, postpartum depression or both. Her study demonstrates how the postpartum period can lead to the emergence of birth trauma, as well as how relational and structural factors are critical for trauma development; however, because this trauma is still largely hidden. Women are frequently left alone during this difficult time.
“For some of these folks, their trauma did not emerge until three months postpartum, or six months,” Oh Nelson said. “I think we have this misconception that six weeks is the time when actually people are postpartum for the rest of their lives—it’s clear we need more postpartum support, especially in a time where people increasingly don’t live near a network that can support them.”
Oh Nelson’s research was motivated by her traumatic first birth experience. It has taken her a long time to move through her trauma. “It’s something you just live with for the rest of your life,” she said. Through her research, she has learned how much postpartum support is needed and hopes to bring a voice to maternal health or create change.
“My motivation around this research and my passion for it feels really strong,” Oh Nelson said. “I think in the long run, I would love to see if there’s some way any of this could create some change or be included in conversations around practice and policy.”
Garcia was afraid to return home with her third daughter because her nightmares and intrusive thoughts persisted. She used to avoid knives because she was afraid of harming herself or her children. Garcia was constantly feeling overwhelmed and nervous.
Although her husband always supported her, Garcia was left home alone while he worked to provide for their family. During this time, she “gave up on people” after they would visit her newborn but never asked how she was doing or if she needed help with anything. After sharing her experience with close family members, Garica felt judged and misunderstood.
“I told myself, ‘It’s me, this depression and the desire to bring these children forward—no one else, we are alone,’” Garcia said. “I was very alone, and so for someone to get through hell when you are alone, it is very difficult; it takes longer to recover.”
For some mothers, depression can become overbearing. Highlands Ranch resident Jennifer Laber and her two sons were discovered dead in the loading dock area of a closed Sports Authority store in Lone Tree inside the family’s minivan in 2016 after Laber’s depression drove her to commit murder-suicide.
Nikki Brooker, the founder of You Are Not Alone (YANA), witnessed the community’s reaction to Laber and her children’s passing while she was employed at the Highland Ranch school where Laber’s children had previously attended. A few months later, Brooker also discovered that a mother close to her friend group had taken her and her ten-year-old daughters’ lives. Both of the tragedies compelled Brooker to figure out how to help mothers in some way.
“When you see this firsthand, you’re a part of it,” Brooker said. “You feel it deep down in your soul; that’s when I was like, ‘We’re going to support moms. I don’t know what it’s going to look like; I don’t know how to do it, but we’re going to figure it out.’”
YANA is a Colorado-based nonprofit organization that offers the program “Strong Mamas, Thriving Babies,” where they provide a year of free support to new mothers who give birth at participating hospitals.
Brooker has also created a community of mothers by keeping them connected after childbirth where they can plan play dates, chat through conversation rooms and have a secure online environment. The program hosts weekly in-person events that give moms a forum to discuss their experiences with local professionals and also provides phone calls from their volunteer mothers contacting new mothers to inquire about their well-being.
“We know that the more you hear each other’s stories, the less alone you feel and that’s been amazing,” Brooker said. “Moms have come back to us and said, ‘You changed my whole view on motherhood because I realized that all of these things that I thought were not normal are totally normal.’”
Although the program is only currently available in AdventHealth Parker, UCHealth Highlands Ranch and AdventHealth Castle Rock, YANA also offers support through their peer support program for mothers outside the hospital program. In the future, Brooker hopes to expand across the state to reach other mothers in need.
Even when she was struggling, Garcia never intended to hurt her children; she always wanted to keep them safe and tried her best to be a good mother. After her emergency room visit, she began to take antidepressants and began therapy to help her navigate her depression.
On December 1, Garcia referred to herself as a survivor in a social media post about celebrating her 42nd birthday. With tears in her eyes, she shares how far she and her children have come, never forgetting the trauma she experienced. Garcia wanted to share the most difficult time of her life to bring awareness to postpartum depression and for people to be aware of what their loved ones may be going through because a simple “Are you okay?” can make a huge difference.
“Don’t lose your light,” Garcia said when asked what she would say to a mother going through postpartum depression. “I know this journey can be very difficult, but in the end, it can be rewarding when you get to see your children grow up and you can say I made it.”